I have hesitated to share my opinions on this matter, mostly because my decision not to serve a formal LDS mission was one of the most sacred and spiritual experiences I have had. With my sister praying for an answer whether or not to serve, my best friend returning from her mission and another friend preparing to serve a mission, along with thousands of other young women seeking answers, I felt it very fitting to share my own story.
In 2012 I was attending Dixie State University. My roommates and I were all unable to go home for the October General Conference sessions so we decided to make a day of it. We invited our friends over to our small apartment and make a lavish breakfast of crepes and sat down to watch our general authorities speak. When President Monson stood and announced that the age requirement for missionaries would be changing and sisters would now be able to serve at the age of nineteen I remember my heart sinking. Unlike many of the other girls who jumped immediately to this call of service I was extremely skeptical. Honestly, a mission hadn't been a part of my five year plan and I wasn't sure I wanted to make it so. Many began to continuously encourage me to serve a mission; the great young man who I had sent on a mission only months before, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, and many others. I spent a lot of time over the following weeks praying and seeking guidance through the scriptures because if I was supposed to serve a mission I was going to get the answer for myself. I chose to keep this a very private matter because I knew how much my family and others wanted me to serve a mission. I didn't want my feelings to be swayed because of their own convictions.
Around the second week of November I woke up, said my morning prayers and a very strong and very real feeling came over me. So strong of a feeling that tears began to stream down my cheeks and I could hardly move from my knees. My answer was that I was to prepare to serve a mission. I was eight months away from my nineteenth birthday so I couldn't rush into the bishops office and get my application process started yet but I spoke with him about my decision. I also immediately wrote my missionary and called my parents to inform them of my decision. I told the boy that I was casually dating that we needed to see other people permanently because I was going on a mission and that was it. Consequently, four days later I met my husband Luke. My plans did an abrupt 180 and suddenly I realized my mission was not what I had thought it was. I was certainly going to serve a mission but it wasn't going to be the kind that I got a tag, a passport and left my family.
The moment I met Luke I had a connection with someone that I had only felt with one other person before. But this connection also came with an undeniable spiritual confirmation that we were to be married. This confirmation came rather quickly and by quickly I mean two weeks. As completely crazy as that sounds we decided we were on Gods time, not ours. We were engaged three months after we met and married six months later.
Though it appears that I had no qualms with the fact that I would no longer be serving a formal mission that is quite the opposite. I felt deceitful, selfish and like a complete liar. I felt like I had lied to my family and my missionary. Not only was I getting married but I had told him I was serving a mission only months before! I also wondered if the answers I was getting were selfish, because why would Heavenly Father tell me not to go on a mission? That makes no sense, our purpose here is to help others feel the spirit and live righteously so that not one seat will be empty when we reach the Celestial Kingdom. And though some of you may wonder, Luke was extremely supportive and understanding of my desires to serve a mission. He encouraged me to find answers for myself and no matter what that answer was he would be here waiting when I got it. Even then, I struggled.
My Single Adult Ward bishop was an absolutely amazing man. He was extremely connected with the members of his ward and when I informed him of my engagement he pulled me into his office to privately consult with me. As I sat in his office he looked over his desk with nothing but compassion in his eyes. He asked me if I was making the right decision and asked what had changed my mind. I relayed all that I could of the experiences I had had over past three months. I cried as I told him the feelings I was having about being selfish and deceitful. He reassured me that if I had prayed about marrying Luke that I was getting the right answers. He told me that the feelings I was having were from Satan, that he was tempting me to deny a temple marriage which is truly the highest saving ordinance that we can receive. He slid a book across his desk and I silently read the title, The Everyday Missionary. He encouraged me to go home and read its words carefully and I did. Suddenly I found that I was not only making the right decision but that I could serve a mission every day of my life, which was far more important for me then to serve a formal mission of eighteen months. We should always feel as though we are serving a mission. We should live our lives like someone is always watching us so that when someone really is, the light of Christ can show through us. As my best friend said in her homecoming talk this past weekend, we should all have our missionary badges permanently imprinted upon our hearts because the moment we were baptized we became representatives of Christ.
I knew that I would be sad often (which was true) because I had chosen not to serve a mission that I so desperately had wanted to go on, yet the trade offs have been so worth it.
There are many days that I have doubted myself because of others accusations. Accusations like; you must not have been worthy to go on a mission, you must feel bad that you are less spiritual than those that went on a mission, etc. Fortunately for myself and others who did not serve a mission, it is not a saving ordinance. The true importance is ensuring that you are worthy to participate in the saving ordinances that are performed within the sacred walls of our temples. Secondly, I am thankful that we all grow spiritually at our own rate and that it is continuous. It does not solely occur while serving a mission, nor does it end on a mission. We as individuals determine our spiritual growth. What you put in is what you get out. Lastly, we receive individual revelation for ourselves. Do not let others influence the way you feel about yourself because they feel that they have received some kind of revelation for you or they feel you received incorrect revelation. If your answer comes and you know that it was an answer from our Heavenly Father then don't let others persuade you otherwise.
We are all children of our Heavenly Father and if we seek answers righteously we will not be left in the dark. We will be guided to the true path that our Heavenly Father wants us to follow.
The point is, be a missionary every day of your life. Live your life in accordance with the Lord and all will be well, whether you serve a formal mission or not.
